Catch your own haggis

It maybe slightly too late for Burns Night (January 25th) but you can still catch your own wild Haggis if you dare to venture up to the chilly moorlands of bonny Scotland when the wild Haggis are least expecting a culling session. Wild Haggis are as fast as and as temperamental as a snappy little dog, so beware. They do taste better however and have rarely been known to bother postmen.

First seek oot the best of Scottish moorlands where the grass and heather grow woozily above the secret underground  Scotch Whisky distilleries. This combination of man and nature gives the best whisky infused vegetation from which the Haggis feed.

The get yerself a medium sized net and sprinkle it with pepper from Aberdeen to disguise the human smells. Dress yerself oot in all green attire and practise crawling for miles and miles on all fours. Training in the SAS can help.

Eat only the best Shortbread biscuits and deep fried Mars Bars  for a year and you are ready to snare a yummy Haggis. Remember only to hunt at night,  all alone and ignore the braying of stags at bay or performance poets out in all weathers quoting Burns and ye will be successful. Other than that Sainsburys have a few left in aisle fifteen.