New stories about the crazy people who shop and work in supermarkets.

 

Just when you think there are no more stories of crazy customers or even crazier shop workers, as illustrated in my book Supermarket Creatures, along, from the depths of my memories, trot a few more to amuse or shock you. These are quite random but here goes:

I remember the type of person working behind the counters who had very little regard for the fact that Supermarkets were there to make a profit so they would come up with the getaway clause "Well that's what the customer asked for and the customer is ALWAYS right." These types would trim the fat off the  the edge of the sirloin steaks and not charge the customer, likewise with cutting out the fat from the ribeye steaks because the customer asked them too. Again they didn't charge the customer for the fat.

Rib eye steaks

I even saw and most definitely heard one of the women on our meat counter hacking a length of oxtail to death with a cleaver because the customer wanted smaller bits of oxtail. The bone is solid except in the joints and almost impossible to chop through. The customer' would also say that the 'other butcher' did it for them the last time and would stand there tut tutting impatiently, with their arms folded in across their chest whilst the shop worker went red in the face and weak in the arms and wrists hacking away at the oxtail.

One day I came back from a break to find the small metal tray on the fish counter, that had previously contained loose scallops, mostly with the orange roe attached, just full of orange roe bits. The person who was on the fish counter whilst I went for my break had sold a dozen or so scallops to a customer who had asked for the roe to taken off because they only wanted the white scallops and her dog didn't like the orange bits.

Scallops with roe

Amongst many twatish requests from customers I recall a man who asked if the raw prawns were de-veined. They were all done prior to being frozen and packaged and distributed to the supermarkets. So, I told him they were definitely de-veined. He didn't believe me and went on and on about it and what a lazy liar I was for at least ten minutes but it seemed like forever. 

We had a very nice pre-made fish pie mix on the fish counters which included some white fish, some salmon and some smoked. The fish types were fairly distributed in the mix but you would always get some idiot who didn't like the look of the smoked fish and wanted you to cut up some from the smoked section and replace it. Then they chose not to buy it or purchased some and then dumped it. By the way, taking fish from other parts of the fish counter wasn't right because it was all costed out per individual fish type. Again, there would always be some errant member of staff who would bend the rules for a customer because they didn't want any bother from them. Of course once one person does this it then sets a precedent for the customer to return wanted the same special treatment week after week. The same applies to those awkward to serve customers who wanted you to chop the pointy ends of the fish fillets simply because they didn't look neat, or as one 'knowledgeable' customer said "The pointy ends don't taste the same as the rest of the fillet.

The same customers would ask why the haddock loins looked a darker colour than the fluffy white cod loins or why there was a red or black mark on them. The latter dumb question was in relation to the blood line where the fish skeleton would have been. Many of them though you as the proud fishmonger was trying to flog them something that was infected or going off. This was especially so if they'd watched a scary food programme on the television the night before.

I have mentioned this in the book but the one aspect I really didn't like was when Tesco had a half price special offer on Whole Salmon. This is what our fridge looked when rammed with whole salmon boxes and other fresh fish items. Well, actually it be much worse than this. You could seriously call it rammed to the gills. The cream coloured plastic trays weren't the best for holding any fish when the edges of the trays started to break and it was a disaster waiting to happen if you tried to fill up any of these trays with whole salmon overnight.

When we had swordfish loins on offer or on display a young man would buy as much as we had which often equated to another £50's worth. I must admit we had a our suspicions that he might be trying to steal the expensive swordfish so a few times we had him followed by security. But every time he paid for it! I wonder to this day what he did with all that swordfish. He was nice enough to serve unlike the man I often had the displeasure of serving who would make you go through all the tiny sprats and sort out the bigger (fresher) ones for him. Then he'd want them gutting and filleting.

There was another idiot customer who I have described in the book as Wally Wildebeest. This huge obnoxious man often came over to our fish counter. Not to buy anything but to plunge him beefy right hand into the ice and hold it there for a few minutes. "Look at that!" he'd proudly say "Look at that! I have the perfect circulation. I don't even feel the cold. That's because I go swimming everyday!" 

One of the young students who appeared in academic holiday times was completely rubbish at any of the display and preparation jobs across the deli, meat and fish counters. He falsely claimed he'd passed all of the Tesco food qualifications to the top level. Yet, he'd make a right hash of things, especially on the meat and fish, the whole salmon being the worst example. I would feel embarrassed that such mangled products were sold on our counters. If any member of staff said anything, he'd look affronted and  argue "Well that's how we were taught to do it in Coventry." The rest of the time he would rapid mumble and rabbit on about his brilliant sword fencing skills and highly educated numeracy skills. I used to dread him coming on to our counters.

I hope to bring you many more stories like these and if you wish to delight yourself with even more Tesco blunders and wonders from across UK then do order my book Supermarket Creatures. Available on Amazon as Kindle and Paperback.

Phil Lowe.

Supermarket Creatures: a brand new 'laugh out loud' book from Phil Lowe.

Sorry there have been no posts since October 2020. I have been very busy writing and editing my brand new book Supermarket Creatures which was launched last week on Amazon. I am very excited about this latest project which has already been getting glowing 5* reviews on Amazon. Here is the back page blurb to give you a flavour of what Supermarket Creatures is all about. It is available as a Kindle e-book or as a paperback. Place your orders HERE.

Humour, food and theatre writer, Phil Lowe, takes us on a dizzying tour of what it can be like to work in a British supermarket and, more specifically, behind the meat, fish, hot food and delicatessen counters. Complete with real-life stories from ex butcher Phil and many other former Tesco Extra Counters’ employees from around the UK, Supermarket Creatures will guarantee anyone who has ever shopped in or worked at a major supermarket, a bulging trolley full of laughs. The book includes more than a few juicy retail revelations and some funny and no-nonsense tales about the fresh food supermarket world. You can expect to find anecdotes about the habits of annoying customers; the silly things they do and say; shocking stories of supermarket theft; and expertly detailed descriptions of the day-to-day work on the counters. Phil’s fascinating Tesco related food blogposts, include and reveal, how he became the Tesco butcher in their television advert. Phil Lowe cleverly brings in his love of theatre and irrepressible wit to make Supermarket Creatures a unique set of human and relatable stories. Many of the supermarket counters may be gone now but they live on in this highly readable book.