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Thursday, 19 March 2009

Pray for my dead kettle please

My Wasserkocher has gone to heaven.

Call it a kettle, ein wasserkocher, une bouilloire or en waterkoker, the thing that boiled my water for my morning cuppa is no more. Sunday morning it refused to switch on. I checked all that I could check including an attempt to claw open the plug with a hammer to change the fuse. DIY has never been my fortĂ©. It went in the bin after a solemn scattering of tea leaves and a prayer for dead kettles. Not once did I call that kettle black – even though it was. It had lived a good life. It had served me well. Its filament was fulfilled.

For a day I survived with a milk saucepan of hot water but needs must and I ventured out in search of a cheap kettle in order to – as the German language has it – cook my water. And so I went to the bright green hyper market world of...


Now I don’t know if you have noticed but kettles and the like all have names and it seems that the names have to be dynamic and oddly macho. Somebody in those marketing departments have come up with the following:

Metal wrapped –cool touch – mmm stroke it.
The Kenwood Stealth.
The Silver Montana.
Brushed stainless steel Dakota.
Tefal Quick Cup. ( the most expensive)
Illuminating Nevada Kettle
Black Jug Kettle
Diamond Kettle
And the best name today was The Morphy Richards OPERA cordless.

If it hasn’t got a cord how does it connect to the electricity? Apparently, according to the blurb on the box, it whistles as it boils! Wow! Like Opera arias? Pavarotti as you pour? Carmen with me cuppa? And it illuminates! So what? I just want clean hot water for my tea or coffee not the English National Opera’s lighting rig on full blast. And relax…

No wonder there was a strangely out-of-place strip of Nurofen Express headache tablets by the kettle display. Simply choosing a kettle was proving a real headache. So, being cash strapped I went for the ASDA green box Smart Price special at £4.75. A bargain. And you know what - it boils the water. The Tefal Quick Cup also boils water and costs £52.85. I know which I prefer. But then there is the illumination aspect…



PS: I’ve worked out what cordless means too.

13 comments:

The Accidental Fan said...

Oooh I can't see the word ASDA without thinking of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ4bLAFao2o

Marian Barker said...

I just luvs Asda *slaps backside*

Gail's Man said...

Your best entry yet. I'm glad you didn't get too steamed up about losing your kitchen buddy. It will be interesting to see how much life there is in your new kettle. Cheap n cheerful is fine sometimes, but it does pay to get slightly better quality in the long run.

Phil Lowe said...

That's right, Gails Man, just because you've got someone doesn't mean you can ruin it for me and Start Right does it! She's got feelings you know. Just because she doesn't light up for all and sundry and goes off the boil from time to time, that doesn't mean she will conk out within a few weeks. And I thought you were a friend. I forgive you this time but watch who you are calling cheap 'nd cheerful in the future.It's alright darling the nasty man has gone away now.Fancy a cuppa?

Phil Lowe said...

Marian, you keeep slapping your backside if you want. Altogether now "It's ASDA Price" slap slap.

Phil Lowe said...

Accidental Fan: Bill Bailey my hero! Great stuff ASDA ain't gunna be your bitch. lol

Athina said...

... a solemn scattering of tea leaves and a prayer for dead kettles - LOL. :) I can visualize the scene and Phil being an actor can do justice to that.

Congrats for the new kettele that can cook water, Phil. I think I have a pic of your deposed kettle in my email.

French Fancy said...

As you asked...

Our father, who doesn't really exist, please look after the dead kettle that Phil murdered through overuse, because it was always on the boil and never got any holidays. Please watch over his new kettle and stop it from joining the big kitchen in the sky

hectoria said...

I know how you feel;when I went to buy an iron I had to count to see how many were on off er Comet: 40 no less. I enjoyed your comment about the daft names that are given to products these days.

Marian Barker said...

'as da got a new kettle then?

lakeviewer said...

MAN, OH MAN, GIVE THE MAN A NEW KETTLE ALREADY!
wE DON'T KNOW HOW THAT FEELS HERE.

For us in the States,if the microwave oven stopped working, we'd be up a creek, without a paddle. Actually, anywhere on the creek, without a paddle is bad. Some of our creeks spill out into big ponds.

StGeorgeOfEngland said...

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of this kettle.
It had served its owner well and had managed to resist the years of scale build-up and overheating due to lack of water but, alas, time has taken its toll and we must now lay this trusted and much respected friend to rest.
Our thoughts go out to our friend Phil and I know that in difficult times such as these we can all pull together and help him to overcome his sadness at the loss of a long standing friend.
They spent many mornings together and when they found themselves alone of an evening they would often sit and ponder on the days events.
I know that dear Kettle loved Phils gentle caress as much as Phil loved the hot water dear Kettle provided.
All we can say to Phil now is remember the good time dear friend. We know there were many and that is what you should focus on now to help you through these next few dark weeks.
You will overcome your loss and maybe one day find a suitable replacement to spend happy times with.
Now please let us sing hymn number 64 .......

Phil Lowe said...

Thanks for your prayers French Fancy and StGeorgeOfEngland. Made me laugh a lot (in between tears of sadness of course).