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Monday, 1 April 2013

Beware! Phone Zombies invading a town near you!


I've been witnessing this terrifying phenomenon more and more over the recent years and now I feel it is my public duty to alert the world to the self harming menace that are the 'Phone Zombies'. They may look normal everyday folk to most of you (they are THAT clever) but they are extremely dangerous - to themselves and others with whom they may collide.

"Hello? Is that the zombie police?"

They have been suckered in ( a technical expression) by the phone Gods. In some parts of the world these phone Gods are known as fone Gods so don't be fooled dear reader. The spelling may be bad but it is one and the same thing. Yes, 'suckered in' to forever stare at a plastic box with shiny things on the screen that can be slid aside, but still entrap. These go under the name of 'apps' and are often mis-spelled or fore shortened to appear harmless and can appear as a friendly looking icon. I will give you some examples: FB = facebook, unrecognised by spell check (cunning huh?) and feature pictures of your friends often 'off their faces'. Curse them and their 1.52" display facility and 5 megapixel cameras for capturing them, unwittingly, in moments of spiritual vulnerability!

More examples? Yes I can give you more! Oh yes! Suckered in by subtle word play no less, like - touchscreen - androids; coupled with promises of food based treats nonsense - blackberries, gingerbread, jelly bean and ice cream sandwiches - and homely pseudo friendliness promising to be a - life companion. As if! After life companion more like. Have you seen the lifeless faces on these phone zombies? They have no idea what is going on in the real world. Or is that 'Reelwurld tm'?

"Dear Reelwurld, eye am in a shoppin' centre on a massage chair, only it ent wurkin'"

I read one of the 'Automobile Phone Capacious Storage Space' glossy phone brochures today that say you can change things by just waving your hand (try doing that to stop a bus, or a rampaging pit bull sometime, Mr Samsung). It also claimed that you can control the screen with your eyes when watching a video. Come on, that's nowt new. I have watched videos on the telly for years and when I close my eyes the video has finished when I wake up.

"Awake! awake!" was not just a forgotten cry from Hereward the Wake of the Fens but a cry to all who fall under the spell of the mobile, the smartphone, the tablets, das Handy, le portable et le visiophone. It is a cry to say ... nay, to SHOUT ... watch out for the curb, the thief, the pick pockets, the cliff edge, the flasher, the oncoming traffic, the bloggers out to expose every drop of humour from the pre-occupied. Ignore the last one.

For pity's sake check out this picture below of this woman so pre-occupied by her text messaging 'as you go' that she may not realise her children have vanished into a worm hole until she tries to get on the bus home and has to put the mobile away to find the bus fare. Perhaps I watch too much Science Fiction, I don't know.
Take these young lads for example, pictured out of zombie mode, they could be saved, perhaps made into a boy band but then the gurl fanz would capture them, on their mobile phones, pretending to sing. WTF and OMG is there no escape?

 The Fone Four.
I traversed high and low from High Pavement to Low Pavement in Nottingham today to capture the menace that is phone zombie -ism and as you can see the victims had to be photographed using my special heat seeking camera. That is, while there is still heat in their bodies, the poor dears. I think the most pitiable example was in an undisclosed cafĂ© when a couple actually spent precious time over a meal checking out their individual mobiles and only spoke when he got some lettuce lodged in his teeth. She 'Googled' lettuce and teeth and the problem was resolved b4 you could type 'choking hazard'.
To protect myself I have been practising the mobile obsessed zombie walk in and around graveyards in my locale and have switched off my mobile for the time being. Only time will tell. "Is this contraption on or off?"
"WTF would I do with 600,000 apps? Hang on mate I need to put some more coins in...."
'Ring ring.'
"Hello? Stare at the screen? Right. Click the zombie app? Ok. Now what? Stare at the screen..."


1 comment:

Jean said...

You're so right, Phil, the whole world and his grandmother wander around with eyes down instead of up.
Notwithstanding the loss of appreciation of their environs, I wonder how many phone zombies have now got flat noses. As a result of walking straight into a lamppost, door, bus, taxi, tram or fellow zombies and zombiettes.