A silly story based on tv food ads of the 1960s and '70s

"For hands that wash dishes are as soft as your face...."

Once upon an advert the Cadbury’s Milk Tray Man drank far too much Double Diamond. He had a drunkenly misguided belief that it would somehow ‘work wonders, work wonders, work wonders'. Sometimes he would ‘drink one today’ rather a lot and started to behave like a Brooke Bond Tea monkey except he wasn’t quite as Nimble as them, or as sober. Occasionally he used to mix his Martini, Cinzano Bianco and All Spice. Never a good thing. He called it his 'Fairy Liquid' and under its intoxicating influence he was convinced that he had a mate called Hans, who washed dishes for a living, using the aforesaid Mild Green Fairy Liquid.

Perhaps he should have kept to drinking Coco-Cola and done something more beneficial for mankind like ‘teaching the world to sing’. If he had put his mind to it he could also have got a million housewives every day to pick up a proverbial tin of beans a day and enthusiastically say “Beanz Meanz Heinz”. It would have been good fun and great for the right arm muscles but add nothing to their incredibly dire spelling abilities, I guezz.

Back when he was a wee cloth capped boy and forever pushing his ton weight Hovis bike wearily up the hill, he dreamt of the blissful day when he would ‘go to work on an egg’ instead. He was a strange child and often fantasised he was someone bearded and uncommonly jolly called Captain Birdseye and that his idealised mum was an Oxo cubes gravy fanatic called Katy. In some circles mum Katy was also renowned for consistently forgetting the Fruit Gums on each shopping trip. Even though these crazy thoughts would snap, crackle and pop straight into his head at any hour he would forgive his mum any such misdemeanour. He always supportedly said, "She meanz well".

"Don't forget the fruit gums mum!"

Whiskers and Pal the family cat and dog and Tony the Tiger often caught sight of him trying to secretly communicate with imaginary yet manic Smash Martians and regularly found him in his room chanting ‘A Mars a day helps you work rest and play’.  

Cadbury’s Milk Tray Man, as a lad, always knew that, somewhere, out there, possibly in the Milky Way lived the Milky Bar Kid too. He was tough and strong and couldn’t go wrong but frankly, he was really crap at peeling potatoes with his little metal knife! "Hahahahahahaha!"

"... and they peel them with their little metal knives!!!"

After Eight, the Cadburys’ Milk Tray Man could often be seen getting into a Taxi for a Marathon journey to see an Aztec mate of his. He was called Buttons and gave them both Treets. What Cadbury’s Milk Tray Man really craved  though was 5Boys, a Tiffin and a bit of Turkish Delight but then he could be a bit of a Fruit and Nut case. I suppose it takes Allsorts.